Hi Chloe - I think you're onto something here - this is a sweet story; are we to think that the dad ended up in this job when he always really wanted to be a clown? If so, you might want to think about showing - in the mise-en-scene of the office - that there are little clues to his repressed dreams? I don't know - a sort of big red flower in a vase on his desk (the sort of thing you might expect to find in the lapel of a clown's jacket?). These wouldn't be obvious signs, but something we would pick up only after we'd watched the film.
For me, there's something not quite in focus about the back-story of the dad character - so his dad was a clown too but the son 'didn't' follow in his footsteps originally - he took a desk-job ... why? For me, there's something about this question that need's answering - and also, it also seems to me that this should be a story about the dad deciding to be a clown because that is his dream/destiny as opposed to this decision being prompted by him being let go from his job. It would be more poetic/stronger if the dad quits to become the clown, as opposed to being 'forced' to become the clown because of the actions of someone else. I also think, really, you could lose the mother from this story; you have the little girl who loves her Dad - the dad is sweet but tired and he always makes her laugh; he's got this job which saps his spirit. He's a single parent - up early, home late etc... somehow the girl figures out her Dad's family history (at the moment in your story she appears to already know everything about her dad already) - she finds the clown suit, sees the photo, and then she figures out why her dad is so unfulfilled. It might also be because the girl figures out that the dad is doing this job to take care of her (keep a roof over their heads) - which would explain I suppose why he was doing the 'sensible thing' as opposed to following in his father's footsteps.
So - the sum total of my thoughts is there's something not quite clear yet regarding 'why' the dad isn't already a clown and why he's doing this dead-on job. If the girl already knows her dad's clowning history, why hasn't she brought it up with him before? If this is a story about a man choosing his preferred life, I don't think he should be fired, I think he should quit (so he should self-actualise on his own terms I that makes sense). It's not a big change - but for me there's something not quite right with your plotting. As I said, I think everything makes a bit more sense if there isn't a mother around at all.
Finally then - so the Towerblock... at the moment, I don't think you're using it to power the story; one way you could use the tower block would be to use it to show the drudge of his daily routine - so up and down the stairs on his way to and from work... but another thought I had was during his journeys to and from the towerblock we could see the dad encounter different characters - on the stairs, in the lift etc - and it's in these encounters that we see that he is an entertainer - so what I mean is even before we know he comes from a clowning family - we are shown that he can't help up but make people smile - behaviour that makes sense to us when we learn (and the daughter learns) that her dad is a natural clown.
Thanks for the feedback! I love the ideas that you've added to the story and I'd love to incorporate them in. I like the idea of the dad quitting the job; and you're right about the fact that I don't actually need a mum in the animation either. I'll make a new post just to illustrate the changes, and then I think I'll start on character design!
OGR 26/01/18
ReplyDeleteHi Chloe - I think you're onto something here - this is a sweet story; are we to think that the dad ended up in this job when he always really wanted to be a clown? If so, you might want to think about showing - in the mise-en-scene of the office - that there are little clues to his repressed dreams? I don't know - a sort of big red flower in a vase on his desk (the sort of thing you might expect to find in the lapel of a clown's jacket?). These wouldn't be obvious signs, but something we would pick up only after we'd watched the film.
For me, there's something not quite in focus about the back-story of the dad character - so his dad was a clown too but the son 'didn't' follow in his footsteps originally - he took a desk-job ... why? For me, there's something about this question that need's answering - and also, it also seems to me that this should be a story about the dad deciding to be a clown because that is his dream/destiny as opposed to this decision being prompted by him being let go from his job. It would be more poetic/stronger if the dad quits to become the clown, as opposed to being 'forced' to become the clown because of the actions of someone else. I also think, really, you could lose the mother from this story; you have the little girl who loves her Dad - the dad is sweet but tired and he always makes her laugh; he's got this job which saps his spirit. He's a single parent - up early, home late etc... somehow the girl figures out her Dad's family history (at the moment in your story she appears to already know everything about her dad already) - she finds the clown suit, sees the photo, and then she figures out why her dad is so unfulfilled. It might also be because the girl figures out that the dad is doing this job to take care of her (keep a roof over their heads) - which would explain I suppose why he was doing the 'sensible thing' as opposed to following in his father's footsteps.
So - the sum total of my thoughts is there's something not quite clear yet regarding 'why' the dad isn't already a clown and why he's doing this dead-on job. If the girl already knows her dad's clowning history, why hasn't she brought it up with him before? If this is a story about a man choosing his preferred life, I don't think he should be fired, I think he should quit (so he should self-actualise on his own terms I that makes sense). It's not a big change - but for me there's something not quite right with your plotting. As I said, I think everything makes a bit more sense if there isn't a mother around at all.
Finally then - so the Towerblock... at the moment, I don't think you're using it to power the story; one way you could use the tower block would be to use it to show the drudge of his daily routine - so up and down the stairs on his way to and from work... but another thought I had was during his journeys to and from the towerblock we could see the dad encounter different characters - on the stairs, in the lift etc - and it's in these encounters that we see that he is an entertainer - so what I mean is even before we know he comes from a clowning family - we are shown that he can't help up but make people smile - behaviour that makes sense to us when we learn (and the daughter learns) that her dad is a natural clown.
Let me know what you think?
Thanks for the feedback! I love the ideas that you've added to the story and I'd love to incorporate them in. I like the idea of the dad quitting the job; and you're right about the fact that I don't actually need a mum in the animation either. I'll make a new post just to illustrate the changes, and then I think I'll start on character design!
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