Well I think you're just about there really - a few final suggestions. I can't help thinking that the clown figure as the thing on the Dad's desk is too much too soon. If, as part of his original costume, he had, say a squirty flower or a revolving bow-tie or similar then we wouldn't know exactly at the beginning of the film that this was a story about a man who wishes he was a clown. We'd know he was unhappy in his work, and we'd know the thing on his desk was of some significance, but all that would come into focus once we saw the photo (where we see him with his squirty flower or whatever. For me it also doesn't make sense that he'd bring this item home with him in his briefcase. It would more logically stay on his desk where it was needed to cheer him up. I think, if you show him looking at the object in the establishing shots, and then we see it again in the photo - we'd understand - without him having to hold it again in the kitchen. Indeed, it would be nice if, once he handed in his resignation, we see him take this thing off his desk to re-include in his act/costume. That makes a little more sense to me.
At the moment it feels like the dad's decision to change (and Marie's decision to prompt it) all happens in the space of one scene. I really like the idea that the dad is too tired and too down to play with his daughter and I wonder if you could create a montage sequence comprising him going down/up those steps and coming home, and Marie asking to play, and him being too tired etc, and we see this play out a few times until we see Marie think to herself "I'm going to do something about this". It just feels as if you need to build to this moment a little more in your story so the audience gets the sense that this situation has been playing out for a while.
I like your characters - distinctive from each other - though take another look at Marie's legs - they seem rather too thick and straight-up/straight down? I want you think about - and present your character designs as if you were readying them for modelling - so this kind of thing:
(so full color, expression, a nice pose - something to bring your characters to life).
One final suggestion - I think your title 'Clowning Around' is giving your punchline away. Go for something less immediately descriptive of your content - so for example, just, 'Bob' or 'The Flower' or...
I also want you to start thinking about your Art Of documentation now - think about creative ways you can thinking about presenting your work and how the documentation itself can feel part of your story universe. You've seen this already probably, but this is a particularly satisfying example of how a student's project documentation can be much more than just a collection of stuff at the end of a project. Just take a look at the techniques/approaches to layout of imagery, use of text (hand-written + typefaces) and the presentation of their assets (character and environment). Yes, this is third year level stuff - but aim nice and high!
OGR 08/02/18
ReplyDeleteHi Chloe,
Well I think you're just about there really - a few final suggestions. I can't help thinking that the clown figure as the thing on the Dad's desk is too much too soon. If, as part of his original costume, he had, say a squirty flower or a revolving bow-tie or similar then we wouldn't know exactly at the beginning of the film that this was a story about a man who wishes he was a clown. We'd know he was unhappy in his work, and we'd know the thing on his desk was of some significance, but all that would come into focus once we saw the photo (where we see him with his squirty flower or whatever. For me it also doesn't make sense that he'd bring this item home with him in his briefcase. It would more logically stay on his desk where it was needed to cheer him up. I think, if you show him looking at the object in the establishing shots, and then we see it again in the photo - we'd understand - without him having to hold it again in the kitchen. Indeed, it would be nice if, once he handed in his resignation, we see him take this thing off his desk to re-include in his act/costume. That makes a little more sense to me.
At the moment it feels like the dad's decision to change (and Marie's decision to prompt it) all happens in the space of one scene. I really like the idea that the dad is too tired and too down to play with his daughter and I wonder if you could create a montage sequence comprising him going down/up those steps and coming home, and Marie asking to play, and him being too tired etc, and we see this play out a few times until we see Marie think to herself "I'm going to do something about this". It just feels as if you need to build to this moment a little more in your story so the audience gets the sense that this situation has been playing out for a while.
I like your characters - distinctive from each other - though take another look at Marie's legs - they seem rather too thick and straight-up/straight down? I want you think about - and present your character designs as if you were readying them for modelling - so this kind of thing:
https://i.pinimg.com/originals/6e/4e/fa/6e4efa39fba2cb0d32ec92f43878eee6.png
We're also looking for resolved, client-facing production art for your characters, so something like this:
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7TFuiwHsTbU/VWU80rsoJrI/AAAAAAAAPxc/D-5cb53c0fQ/s1600/inside-out-progression_image_3of7_Characters.jpg
(so full color, expression, a nice pose - something to bring your characters to life).
One final suggestion - I think your title 'Clowning Around' is giving your punchline away. Go for something less immediately descriptive of your content - so for example, just, 'Bob' or 'The Flower' or...
I also want you to start thinking about your Art Of documentation now - think about creative ways you can thinking about presenting your work and how the documentation itself can feel part of your story universe. You've seen this already probably, but this is a particularly satisfying example of how a student's project documentation can be much more than just a collection of stuff at the end of a project. Just take a look at the techniques/approaches to layout of imagery, use of text (hand-written + typefaces) and the presentation of their assets (character and environment). Yes, this is third year level stuff - but aim nice and high!
http://tsyganproduction.blogspot.co.uk/2017/07/stellar-final-film-for-new-designers.html